Buckaroo

By Silva on Sep 17, 2009 | Reply

Festus Hagen was drunk again, no big surprise there!
He had just left the Longbranch Saloon and was feeling no pain!
"I’ll be seeing all you fine folks tomorrow" He said, upon leaving, which was curious, being he was the only one left in the place!
He was on his way to his lonely room, alone again, as usual, when he heard a lady’s scream.
"Whoa, Nellie!" He slowed his horse down just in time to witness the confrontation.
A tiny little woman had her rifle pointed straight at the head of a big strapping cowboy!!
" I ain’t goin’ to Boot Hill sucker….YOU are!! "(((BANG)))
Festus had gotten there just in the nick of time to grab the lady’s rifle and deflect the shot!
The little gal was FUMING mad! She attacked Festus with the butt of the rifle! "What the HELL do you think you’re doing" she yelled, attempting to knock him over his head. Meanwhile the object of her unfriendly fire had made a hasty departure on his horse.
"DAMN" she said. "Now you let that no good, good for nuthin’, stink-ass cheatin’ fool get away!!" She sniffed the air.
"Good Lord, you smell like the bottom of an outhouse"
She stepped back a few paces. "Is Dillon still the law in this town, or are you the only sorry-ass lawman Dodge City has left?"
Festus was in love at first site! He had a THING for little women!!! He stared at her with a dopey love struck look on his face.
"WELL!!" she asked. "Are you gonna give me an answer or am I gonna hafta blow YOUR head off?"
Festus’s throat was dry. "N-No Maam, Marshall Dillon’s office is right that-a-way. He directed her toward Mathew’s office.
As she marched off he stood there drooling!! "That is some kinda woman" he said to himself. He felt an unfamiliar stirring in his nether regions. Could it be that…..things weren’t quite dead after all!
All at once the drink and the excitement of the moment all seemed to catch up with him at the same time. He felt himself going down!!
A passing young cowpoke, himself half looped, noticed him lying in the road. "Mister……… You done tripped on your foreskin!" He called out
Festus looked down and grinned. "Looks like I won’t be needing that Viagra after all" The cowpoke also looked down and smiled "When I grow up, I wanna be just like you, my favorite buckaroo!" Festus growled "I don’t swing THAT way, boy, now mosey on down that road iffin you know what’s good for you"
Festus got up, dusted himself off and headed for home, a happy man!!!
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By Alec the Dalek on Sep 17, 2009 | Reply

“You smell like the bottom of an outhouse,” cooed Frank, raising the bouquet to his fiancée, Gertrude, “an outhouse from Heaven.”

But if Gertrude was touched by Frank’s overture, it wasn’t apparent. Her gaze shifted back and forth across the septic tank, which had mysteriously erupted from behind City Hall.

“I just saw a roach the size of Mt. McKinley,” she muttered, wringing her fists, “Where’s my damn gun?”

“With the dog, as always,” said Frank, crestfallen.

“Well get Mr. Knucklehead down here fast!” snapped Gertrude, “because the fate of our town depends on it!”

“Is Dillon still the law in this town? Shouldn’t he take care of this?”

“Whoa, Nellie!” said Gertrude, grabbing Frank by the shirt, “I’M the local exterminator, AND the sewer administrator, and I’M the one to take on these problems. Besides, Dillon’s busting up some rustling ring out by the border, he can’t be here even if he wanted to! Now get me that dog and gun down here pronto!”

“Okay, okay, geez……” said Frank. He turned away from the steel-jawed woman, feeling lower than a snake’s rattle. “I…just….I wanna be like YOU, my favorite buckaroo,” he said, privately. He had loved Gertrude deeply since she had found him, stranded in a bathroom stall, near death, five months ago. He had run out of toilet paper and was about to give up all hope until she showed to replenish the supply. Her broad, powerful shoulders, the way she swung a plunger, and her septic-brown eyes were truly dazzling to the sheltered and quiet man.

Minutes later, the giant cockroach emerged from the back of City Hall, with the mayor in tow. The repulsive insect held a gun to the terrified man’s head.

“I want 5000 stale doughnuts and the leftovers from last week’s fish-fry,” rasped the killer bug, “Or your beloved leader gets it….ALL OVER THE STREET!”

“Mister,” cried a little girl, “you done tripped on your foreskin.”

“Well, if that done beat all,” cried the mayor, fumbling with his clothes, “I could never resolve whether to get circumcised or not. Pa always said getting circumcised was a fancy term for joining a trapeze act.”

“Shut yer pie hole,” growled the cockroach. He then saw Gertrude, standing atop the septic tank, with fists on her hips. A dachshund with bandana and miniature sombrero ran up to her, cradling a small rifle.

“Thanks, Mr. Knucklehead,” smiled Gertrude. She then advanced towards the startled bug and his hostage.

“I ain’t goin’ to Boot Hill….YOU are!!”

A shot (Bang!) rang out, and the mayor fell to the ground. The cockroach was astonished.

“What….you missed! You were supposed to hit me!”

“Naw,” said Gertrude, blowing a wisp of smoke away from the tip of the barrel, “You’re in the clear, bug. The mayor had been the secret ringleader of the rustling ring AND the guy who shot my Pa. Justice has been rendered. Now git your ugly butt out of town, and go clean, or next time I’ll fire two shots. Capice, friend?”

The cockroach said nothing, only dropped his gun and scurried into a nearby taxi. After instructing the driver to head for Houston, Gertrude cradled Mr. Knucklehead and nodded to Frank.

“Thanks for the flowers, Frank,” she said, tipping her cap. “First rehearsal for the wedding is Sunday, at my place.”

“Woo-hoo!” shouted Frank, feeling jubilant once more. He followed his lover off into the sunset, oblivious to the long, dusty strand of toilet paper stuck to the heel of his cowboy boot.

END
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