Comments on: And this is another story I haven’t gotten so far on… the first chapter anyways.? http://www.buckaroossleeptoo.com/buckaroo-store/and-this-is-another-story-i-havent-gotten-so-far-on-the-first-chapter-anyways Tue, 16 Mar 2010 04:00:59 -0400 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: NekoBus http://www.buckaroossleeptoo.com/buckaroo-store/and-this-is-another-story-i-havent-gotten-so-far-on-the-first-chapter-anyways/comment-page-1#comment-802 NekoBus Sun, 14 Mar 2010 05:44:59 +0000 http://www.buckaroossleeptoo.com/buckaroo-store/and-this-is-another-story-i-havent-gotten-so-far-on-the-first-chapter-anyways#comment-802 This is pretty good - and it starts getting really intense at the end. Keep it up! Right now, the beginning it with the adoption certificate is a little odd. Unless one of the characters was reading this for some reason. Is Bennet 6 or is she 18? If she was 18 she would probably be old enough to leave an abusive home, consider making her character a few years younger. I imagine this abuse has been going on for a long time? Maybe the "I'm sorry Daddy" could be said overly sweetly, like it's really painful for her to hide how much she hates him. There could be some tension between her & the Mark character. "Little Joiner?" I like it, but she could have some sort of reaction to it. Does he tease her all the time? Maybe he's her ticket out? I'm curious about why she's hiding beer in her room. That's interesting, it definitely has my attention. She also seems a little too willing to straddle his lap, there could be some more tension there. Anyway, all in all another nice job, just keep working on it!<br><b>References : </b><br> This is pretty good – and it starts getting really intense at the end. Keep it up! Right now, the beginning it with the adoption certificate is a little odd. Unless one of the characters was reading this for some reason. Is Bennet 6 or is she 18? If she was 18 she would probably be old enough to leave an abusive home, consider making her character a few years younger. I imagine this abuse has been going on for a long time? Maybe the "I’m sorry Daddy" could be said overly sweetly, like it’s really painful for her to hide how much she hates him.

There could be some tension between her & the Mark character. "Little Joiner?" I like it, but she could have some sort of reaction to it. Does he tease her all the time? Maybe he’s her ticket out?

I’m curious about why she’s hiding beer in her room. That’s interesting, it definitely has my attention. She also seems a little too willing to straddle his lap, there could be some more tension there. Anyway, all in all another nice job, just keep working on it!
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